I broke my index finger when I was fourteen. I was playing baseball, squared up to bunt, and my finger came between the pitch and the bat. It was a cloudy day, pretty cold. Mrs. Vasas was there to give me Tylenol. My parents came soon after.
Only read the following if you have a strong stomach.
They surgically removed my nail in the emergency room. They put four stitches in my nail bed to mend the laceration. Over the next three months I wore a bandage as I waited for my finger to heal. It hurt. It was hard to clean. Taking the stitches out still haunts me. Watching my nail grow back was oddly satisfying.
My finger still looks a little off. If I press hard enough on my fingertip I can see where the stitches were. I remember the pain, but healing eventually came.
This is what makes the healing process troubling: it wouldn’t have healed if it didn’t hurt. When you feel pain your endocrine system makes a slew of healing hormones that instantly begin to clot and repair damaged tissue. Pain is a signal that something is hurting and needs attention. Without that pain, healing happens much more slowly. Here’s a study.
As I look and listen and hear the cries of the world, I’m reminded of my finger and every injury I’ve had. Healing is slow and it hurts. Healing is ugly. But healing, in the end, works, and it only works because it hurt, because it was slow.
Every day I am brought to tears by the cries of the black community in America. I cry as I learn more about the horrible treatment of indigenous people. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret not paying attention sooner. Not using my privilege for good sooner.
But now is a good time to start. Now is the only time to start. Nunc coepi means “now I begin” and that is exactly what I’ll do.
Healing is an ugly process, but the more we all hurt, the faster we can all heal. We can’t continue by just letting one group suffer. Until we all feel their pain, until we are all uncomfortable by racism, no change will happen.
I’m ready to embrace the breakdown of the world I once new so we can heal and create a better home. This time, the only people not welcome are the ones who want to keep us apart.