Becoming the person you want to be requires awareness. It’s helpful to know where you get your strength and what motivates you, but exposing your shadows is necessary. One of my shadows is seeking other people’s approval. I call it the approval trap.
I have these heroes I look up to, people like Gary Vaynerchuck and Aubrey Marcus and Seth Godin and Paul Chek and Elliott Hulse and Nahko and In-Q. Recently I’ve found myself reaching out to these people, seeking their approval for my life. Their approval feels like oxygen, like they’re what’s keeping my alive when I’m otherwise drowning.
And I’ve been noticed. Aubrey answered one of my questions on a podcast, with a response that took 45 minutes (here’s my post about it). Paul Chek answered my DM. Elliott sent me an autograph and recently responded to my comment. Just this week, Gary shouted out my comment in Tea with Gary Vee.
These moments make me feel excited and noticed. But that’s because I’ve been seeking their approval. I want them to tell me how great I’m doing with their advice and how loyal I am to them. I want their validation because it makes me feel whole. And worthy.
But it’s a trap and I know it. I don’t need their approval to live my best life. Having them notice me may get me through the day, but it’s never enduring satisfaction. It’s not fulfilling.
What’s fulfilling is moving towards my dreams of making a positive change in the world. I feel whole when I share a meal with my family or squeeze my girlfriend’s hand on a walk. Lasting happiness for me is when my will and God’s will are united in a cosmic tango and love is moving through me.
When my head hits the pillow and I know I did my best, that’s what matters. Not what my heroes say or don’t say to me.
The approval trap is alluring but empty. It can play out in many aspects of your life. If you don’t want to get caught, pay attention to the shadow behind your back.