I’m Nobody? Who are you?

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

Emily Dickinson

If you have spent your whole life becoming somebody and having something, the beginning of awakening requires you to turn around and start the journey in the other direction, towards becoming nothing, becoming nobody, and having nothing. ⁣

Ram Das

Within us is the potential to be a somebody. The game of life asks us to be a somebody. Once we are somebody and choose to wake up, there are two potentials within you: the potential to become a new somebody, or the potential to become a nobody.

What does it mean to be a nobody? Nobody knows.

Can you be a somebody and a nobody? To that I would ask: Does the sun rise and set every day? The universe is composed of dual forces, yin and yang. Empty darkness and fiery matter. Nothing and something, all at the same time.

Aren’t we the same?

Then and There

Father McNally used to say, “You were not made for the here and now; you were made for the then and there.” This tripped me up for a bit. I think I’m starting to get it.

At first I thought it was obvious: we are made for heaven, not earth. This is a classic Manicheist dictum–essentially the material world is bad and the spiritual world is good. But that doesn’t sound like Father McNally. He was excited about being a human being, about being able to taste and touch and paint and see and imagine. We, at least as we manifest on this earth, are quite well made “for earth.” We can taste, smell, touch, etc. How are we not made for here?

I don’t think he was necessarily talking about the “me” that includes the body but the “I,” our soul, which is more than a body, which transcends this physical world. We were not made for here; rather, our soul–the true Self–is a part of God that longs for communion with God again. But even if this were the case, this is quite a step. It still sidesteps our reality–that we are Homo sapiens living on planet earth, that we need to eat, sleep, breathe, and live in order to, well, have experiences that can allow us to learn about God. So I’m not ready to give up the first part of this saying yet.

“You were not made for the here and now.” Here and now is a common phrase among spiritual people. In Island, the birds on the utopian island are chanting, “Attention!” and “Here and Now!” as reminders to live in the present. All throughout the spiritual/awakened/enlightened world are texts that talk about being present, being in the now. From Eckhart Tolle to Ram Das, it’s pervasive. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Be Here Now by Ram Das, taught the western world exactly that: reality is what’s happening now, not what happened in the past or what might happen in the future. Right now. Here and now.

“You were made for the then and there.” This assumes that there’s an existence beyond physical death. Let’s give merit to this assumption by crediting, well, nearly every religion, spiritual person, and psychedelic adventurer who ever lived and assume this is true. It’s a commonly held belief that this life on earth is preparation for the next life, or our next series of lives on this earth (i.e. reincarnation). Regardless of form or fortune, what we do here counts, in some regard, in what happens after we physically die.

One of the primary teachings of Jesus was about the Kingdom of God. Supposedly, this is where we want to go when we die. It’s the “then and there.” But then Jesus said something that most people don’t like to talk about: “The Kingdom of God is in your midst.” Father McNally referenced this a lot. What’s that about? Allow me to bring this all together.

Father McNally was right–we are made for the then and there, for the Kingdom of God. But the Kingdom of God is in our midst, in the here and now on earth. We have access to the Kingdom if we want to enter; we can see the Kingdom if we want to see it; we can experience the Kingdom if we want to experience it. But what is the Kingdom? What is the Then and There? It is Here and Now. Anthony de Mello says that eternal life is the eternal now, the now that never began and never ends. It’s a place beyond time, another dimension that we cannot know or understand or comprehend but can experience. And how can we experience it? By being present to it; by ministering to it. By merely being, here and now. By stepping into this moment. Not meditating or analyzing, not mindfulness or intellect or yoga or philosophy, but by being. By not being preoccupied by the past or future or everything that isn’t happening and existing right here and right now. The Kingdom of God, the Then and There, is the eternal now, the eternal Here and Now. The Here and Now is the Then and There.

Guess what? We are conditioned animals, and we are not conditioned for stepping into the here and now. That makes it less convenient. It’s almost impossible to escape this inconvenience. Possible, sure, but it requires a disciplined and aware mind and being. That’s what Father McNally meant–we are not made for the here and now. That’s not how we got here as animals, as human beings. We got here by learning how to survive, by struggling for existence, and by fighting to pass on our genetics. Survival of the fittest. That’s how the here and now works, right? Maybe. But plants and animals and other living things don’t care about the past or the future, they just care about the here and now. But we aren’t just animals–we’re ensouled beings. Animals with souls that long to reconnect with the source of all creation, an existence that is only possible by entering the Kingdom of God, the eternal now, the Then and There with very little baggage, so little that we can pass through the eye of a needle. This reconnection seems to be the direction of creation–conscious, ensouled beings, capable of having a relationship with God, longing to reconnecting with God. And the way to prepare for that reconnection is to simply be here and now, to merely be present to what is unfolding before us. Nothing more. Because that is an experience of what is, and God is all that is. So experiencing the here and now is experiencing God, which may just be the then and there.

What does this mean for us?

Be present. In your experience of now is the experience of the eternal now, God Godself. The way to experience this moment is fully, with all your senses. Taste, touch, smell, see, and hear creation and your place in it, seemingly distant but all-too-connected to the source which created and is it all. This earth is a spiritual training ground. It may have required human beings to destroy the planet in order to realize it and embrace our role as conscious beings, but it’s not too late for each and every one of us to step into this moment and experience God for ourselves. It’s what we’re made for.

Highlights from Awareness by Anthony de Mello, SJ (Part 2/2)

Here are some more quotes I highlighted while reading:

“Sometimes the best thing that can happen to us is to be awakened to reality, for calamity to strike, for then we come to faith, as C.S. Lewis did.”

“All the efforts of the human mind cannot exhaust the essence of a single fly.” – Thomas Aquinas

“Don’t carry over experiences from the past. In fact, don’t carry over good experiences from the past either. Learn what it means to experience something fully, then drop it and move on to the next moment, uninfluenced by the previous one. You’d be traveling with such little baggage that you could pass through the eye of a needle. You’d know what eternal life is, because eternal life is now, the timeless now.”

“No great merit in it if it’s mechanical. The beauty of an action comes not from its having become a habit but from its sensitivity, consciousness, clarity of perception, and accuracy of response.”

“An attachment is a belief that without something you are not going to be happy.”

“Exhortations are of no great help.”

“There’s only one way out and that is to get deprogrammed! How do you do that? You become aware of the programming.”

“The day you cease to travel, you will have arrived.” – Japanese adage

“You always empower the demons you fight.”

“You don’t chase darkness out of the room with a broom, you turn on a light.”

“There is no salvation till they have seen their basic prejudice.”

“As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished.”

“Life only makes sense when you perceive it as a mystery and it makes no sense to the conceptualizing mind.”

“A terrorist to you is a martyr to the other side.”

“It’s only when you’re afraid of life that you fear death.”

“If you would die to the past, if you would die to every minute, you would be the person who is fully alive, because a fully alive person is one who is full of death.”

“First, cope with your negative feelings so that when you move out to change others, you’re not coming from hate or negativity but from love.”

It’s not a question of imitating Christ, it’s a question of becoming what Jesus was. It’s a question of becoming Christ, becoming aware, understanding what’s going on within you.”

“There is nothing so cruel as nature. In the whole of the universe there is no escape from it, and yet it is not nature that does the injury, but the person’s own heart.”

“If the eye is unobstructed, it results in sight; if the ear is unobstructed, the result is hearing; if the nose is unobstructed, the result is a sense of smell; if the mouth is unobstructed, the result is a sense of taste; if the mind is unobstructed, the result is wisdom.” – Oriental sage

“If the heart is unobstructed, the result is love.” – Anthony de Mello

“Wisdom occurs when you drop barriers you have erected through your concepts and conditioning… Wisdom is to be sensitive to this situation, to this person, uninfluenced by any carryover from the past, without residue from the experience of the past.”

“Freedom lies not in external circumstances; freedom resides in the heart.”

“Seeing is the most arduous thing that a human being can undertake, for it calls for a disciplined, alert mind.”

“A nice definition of an awakened person: a person who no longer marches to the drums of society, a person who dances to the tune of the music that springs up from within.”

“Now, you need awareness and you need nourishment. You need good, healthy nourishment. Learn to enjoy the solid food of life. Good food, good wine, good water. Taste them. Lose your mind and come to your senses.”

“And if I can’t get you to peep out of your little narrow beliefs and convictions and look at another world, you’re dead, you’re completely dead; life has passed you by.”

“So love the thought of death, love it.”

“It will also help if you take on activities that you can do with your whole being, activities that you love to do so that while you’re engaged in them success, recognition, and approval simply do not mean a thing to you.”

“I’ve told you what a spiritual exercise it is to gaze at things, to be aware of things around you.”

“It is not from lack of religion in the ordinary sense of the word that the world is suffering, it is from lack of love, lack of awareness.”

“Happiness is not something you acquire; love is not something you produce; love is not something that you have; love is something that has you.”

“‘It’s the ‘Aha’ experience that counts.'”

“Living is to have dropped all the impediments and to live in the present moment with freshness.”

“Anything you’re aware of keeps changing; clouds keep moving.”

“Every child has a god in him. Our attempts to mold the child will turn the god into a devil. Children come to my school, little devils, hating the world, destructive, unmannerly, lying, thieving, bad-tempered. In six months they are happy, healthy children who do no evil.” – from Summerhill by A. S. Neill

“There’s no violence in those children, because no one is practicing violence on them, that’s why.”

“No fear, so no violence.”

“Do you know where wars come from? They come from projecting outside of us the conflict that is inside.”

“The religion that makes people good makes people bad, but the religion known as freedom makes all people good, for it destroys the inner conflict [I’ve added the word “inner”] that makes people devils.” – from Summerhill by A. S. Neill

“I have run into individuals, here and there, who suddenly stumble upon this truth: The root of evil is within you. As you begin to understand this, you stop making demands on yourself, you stop having expectations of yourself, you stop pushing yourself and you understand. Nourish yourself on wholesome food, good wholesome food. I’m not talking about actual food, I’m talking about sunsets, about nature, about s good movie, about a good book, about enjoyable work, about good company, and hopefully you will break your addictions to those other feelings.”

Highlights from Awareness by Anthony de Mello, SJ (Part 1/2)

Here are some quotes I highlighted while reading:

“The one thing you need most of all is the readiness to learn something new.”

“What you really fear is loss of the known.”

“[Jesus] ran into trouble with people who were really convinced they were good.”:

“The lovely thing about Jesus was that he was so at home with sinners, because he understood that he wasn’t one bit better than they were.”

“All suffering is caused by misidentifying myself with something, whether than something is within me or outside me.”

“Anytime you have a negative feeling toward anyone, you’re living in an illusion.”

“We never feel grief when we lose something that we have allowed to be free, that we have never attempted to possess. Grief is a sign that I made my happiness depend on this thing or person, at least to some extent.”

“Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency.”

“Loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with reality.”

“Someone once said, ‘The three most difficult things for a human being are not physical feats or intellectual achievements. They are first, returning love for hate; second, including the excluded, third, admitting that you are wrong.'”

“You know there are times like that when the Blessed Sacrament becomes more important than Jesus Christ. When worship becomes more important than love, when the Church becomes more important than life. When God becomes more important than the neighbor.”

“What you are aware of you are in control of. What you are not aware of is in control of you.”

“You don’t have to add anything in order to be happy; you’ve got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful. It’s only hard on your illusions, your ambitions, your greed, your cravings.”

“You don’t have to do anything to acquire happiness. The great Meister Eckhart said it very beautifully, ‘God is not attainted by a process of addition to anything in the soul, but by a process of subtraction.’ You don’t need to do anything to be free, you drop something. Then you’re free.”

“It’s not your actions, it’s your being that counts.”

“We see people and things not as they are, but as we are.”

“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: That is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else life their life as YOU see fit. That’s selfish.

“Awakening should be a surprise.”

“It’s only when you become love–in other words, when you have dropped your illusions and attachments–that you will “know” [that compassion can be very rude, can jolt you can roll up its sleeves and operate on you, can be soft, is all kinds of things].”

“That fanaticism of one sincere believer who thinks he knows causes more evil than the united efforts of two hundred rogues.”

“The highest knowledge of God is to know God as unknowable.”

“Happiness releases you from self. It is suffering and pain and misery and depression that tie you to the self.”

“Suffering points up an area in you where you have not yet grown, where you need to grow and be transformed and change. If you knew how to use that suffering, oh, how you would grow.”

“Negative feelings, every negative feeling, is useful for awareness, for understanding.”

“We always hate what we fear.”

“The moment you put things in a concept, they become static, dead.”

“Words are pointers, they’re not descriptions.”

“How sad if we pass through life and never see it with the eyes of a child.”

“When we start off in life, we look at reality with wonder, but it isn’t the intelligent wonder of the mystics; it’s the formless wonder of a child.”

Your Imagination

You take your imagination for granted. We all do. We expect that if we close our eyes–or, fine, keep them open and keep reading–and think of a red-eyed tree frog, it will be there. And if you think of the best cannoli you’ve ever had, you might remember what it tastes like. Even blind people can imagine in color, though they might not use the same words we do.

Our imaginations are always with us. They’re a part of us, a real part of us, a projection of the complex neural networks driving your very ability to think, reason, plan that barbecue, pick an outfit, and code data entries. But we are no longer taught how to access the deepest parts of our imaginations because the deeper you go, the longer you want to stay. And that’s not helpful for the industrialists.

If the goal of school is to make hard-working consumers, a natural byproduct is the cultural desensitization to our innate imaginative capacities. Sitting in rows and drilling algebra problems promotes linear thinking. Your imagination is linear at times but mostly directionally confused–curved, bent, windy, cyclic, repetitive, traumatic, exponential, scary. More than that, explaining what’s going on in your mind is, well, almost impossible. That’s what I think makes a good writer.

Good writers can explain their imaginations in ways ordinary people–which is most of us, stop thinking you’re so special–can understand. They use metaphors and emotional turns of phrase to help us know, feel, and experience their minds, what they see when they close their eyes. It’s scary, going into someones mind. That’s why a good writer makes you feel safe but courageous, confident you know where you are while encouraged you want to go further this time, into the darkness that few imaginations have gone before. Good writers can break the Overton windows that keep our minds at bay and burst into new realms of consciousness, realms that might be worth staying in.

That’s exactly why there’s no such thing as a good writer. We’re all bad writers because we can never accurately explain what we imagine. We can only get close with a metaphor that rhymes with our thoughts.

No, there are no good writers. And if there are, they don’t waste their time trying to write. They become artists.

Skyline

The best view
of
the Philadelphia
skyline
at night
is either the Spring
Garden Street
Bridge, coming
South on
I-95,
or my rooftop, two miles south and
three floors up of center city.
The worst place to view the
skyline is on top of the
Comcast
Technology Center,
a hundred forty-seven
feet taller and more impressive
and newer than the old Comcast
Center, a champion of its day
but too short to outlast today’s
builders. The view from
heights like this
must be
lonely,
brisk
even on
summer
nights.
I’ll
forfeit the fight for
tallest building and
spend my time
building
something
that lasts—
a gift for others.

Finding God in All things

What is a mystical experience?

They typically refer to encounters with something that cannot be described by our language, often involving an encounter with the divine, a deepened awareness of the interconnection between all things, and perhaps even a return to the “source” of existence. They have been around for a long time and typically are regarded as spiritual or religious in nature. They have not been studied much by science.

Participants in studies at John’s Hopkin’s University Center for Psychedelic Research report that high enough doses of certain psychedelic compounds (namely, psilocybin) produce mystical experiences in psychedelically naïve participants. In these events, participants describe an overwhelming sense of unity, oneness, and interconnection within the world, both seen and unseen. They often cannot describe what the experience is like (the literature refers to this quality as ineffability). Still, many people are transformed by the experience for an enduring time (this is called transience). These individuals, though they were merely participating in a research study, walk around with more reverence for the world–they see things in a way they haven’t seen them before, and their behavior changes as a result. (I heard about these studies from the man who conducted them in this Jordan Peterson Podcast).

When Saint Ignatius of Loyola was meditating on God’s love on the banks of the Cardoner River, he, too, endured a mystical experience. He, supposedly, met God. One of the key takeaways from his experience was the dictum “Find God in all things” where he encouraged believers to extend their understanding of sacredness outside of churches and into the created world, for everything can be inevitably and undeniably traced back to God. he also reasoned that this God he loved and encountered by the river in a wholly ineffable way must be the source of all goodness, an idea perpetuated by his predecessor in faith, Thomas Aquinas.

Aquinas was the most prolific Catholic theologian and natural philosopher in history, setting the groundwork for the bulk of the philosophically sound Catholic tradition. After being nicknamed a “Dumb Ox” in primary school and proving his dedication to become a priest, he wrote ferociously for most of his life, often dictating to multiple scribes at once for different books. Towards the end of his life, he, too, had what can only be described as a mystical experience in a chapel. After his encounter with God, he said the famous line about the massive literary cannon he contributed to the faithful: “It is all but straw.” He never wrote again, save a few letters.

How can there not be a connection? I can’t help but think that this “Finding God in all things” idea of Ignatius is the same interconnectedness the psilocybin participants experience. And I can’t help but wonder about the transience of Aquinas’s encounter–to never write again, even though that’s what his life’s work during his time as a Dominican. His entire contribution to the intellectual tradition of humanity, all but straw. To never write again is something I can’t comprehend yet.

There’s a connection here. I’m convinced. These things have the substance and power to change the fabric of our society. This is why we must tread lightly and continue fighting the good and faithful fight towards legalization and curious study. Maybe, in time, we will find out some answers that not only satisfy our minds but our spirits.

For now, let’s try to Find God in all things. That’s ALL things, not just things that are convenient.

The Garden

What is mulch but a reminder
of who we’ll become—
decaying life embalmed
in brown dye, the rest
of the world looking on.
Something once beautiful
is now dead, petrified
for appearance and vanity.

They can’t even let trees die
without an assembly line.

Still, in the midst of sadistic
beautification is something
to hope in, for dyed and dead
trees transform the landscape
so perennials can sing louder,
maybe even attract more bees.
What is now dead makes
the living world more vivid.

We did not plant the garden
but we can help it grow.

All-day uniform

If you didn’t go to Catholic School growing up or wear a uniform to school, this won’t make sense to you. If you did, I’m about to unlock a memory you didn’t know you had.

There were days in grade-school and high school, usually in the winter, when I would come home from school and not change out of my uniform. I would keep it on, to watch TV, do homework, eat dinner with the family, and even play video games. There was something uplifting about those days. They almost made me feel accomplished.

I had a couple of those days last week. I wore my teacher’s uniform (button down and khakis) for about 14 hours, from 7:00am to 9:00pm because there just wasn’t enough time to shower and change. Just like when I was a kid, I felt productive, accomplished, and even encouraged.

I went to bed tired but relieved that the next day was Friday.

I never understood why teachers complained. How hard could it be, getting summers off?

Add up all the hours teachers work in a year and it’s equal, if not more, than a typical 9 to 5. Teachers just work 10 hour days every day, and on the weekends. You could average it to 12 hours each work day, easily. And this doesn’t even include planning and preparing in the summer.

50 weeks of work each year x 40 hours per week = 2,000 hours of work each year

180 days of work each year x 12 hour per day = 2,160 hours of work each year

The next time somebody says, “Yeah but teachers have it easy because they have off in the summer,” you have my permission to remove yourself from that conversation before your only option is to resort to violence.

Turn

I’m excited for everything in my life. Except death.

I’m excited for everything in my life. Accept death.