Some things don’t have an ending

https://vimeo.com/399547706

I’m sitting here in tears as I try to put words to this new reality…that I will never run track again. For 10 days I’ve been at a loss for words, unable to grasp that this part of my journey is over. I’ve tried to ignore it and avoid it but it’s eating me up. I have to face it and I have to cry. These tears aren’t only for the love of memories past but for the loss of those yet to come, the unwritten stories that will remain untold in Spring 2020.

I’ve had this feeling before and you have too—when a loved one passes away and you don’t get to say goodbye. I wasn’t done running. I had so many personal records left to break and so many workouts left to lead. I wasn’t done cheering for my teammates and being cheered by those who love me. I wasn’t done waking up at 5:30am to lift and explaining for the 100th time why I don’t drink chocolate milk. I wasn’t done, and it really hurts.

I didn’t get to have my teammates congratulate me after my last ever race, saying how amazing it was to see my transformation. I didn’t get to shake my coach’s hand before we got on the bus at my last meet, making sure he knew that I appreciated everything he’s done for me. I didn’t get to celebrate my 4 year career, one full of injury and upset and triumph and leadership. I didn’t get to, and I never will.

This will not get easier. It will be something I come to live with—the pain of loss. I don’t know where I will go from here, but I do know one thing. I know that what got me around Boston University’s magic carpet on January 25th wasn’t my desire to be a great runner…It was those guys in Crimson & Gray around the track who gave their best all day long and still had enough left to yell my name. It was Magee & Moscoe & Davies & Dave & Welde & Baumy & Seabass & Sauer & Josh & the rest. At was Mom & Dad & Camille & Adam & Rachel cheering me on at home. Watching and hearing the support in this video…that’s what matters. Not the time.

When I first started running, I ran for myself. That’s how most of us run. But then I got the greatest gift I’ve ever received: the chance to run for others, the chance to run for a team. My team. The best team that I’ve ever been a part of. I can’t name you all in this comment, but you know who you are. Thank you for making this worth it. Thank you for making this all worth it.

At the end of this video, Camille said: “This is probably so different for him too because now he’s not thinking about other people; he’s just running.”

My wish for all of you is that you come love something as much as I ‘ve come to love running. Thanks for reading.

Don’t Forget to Love Yourself

Imagine how different the world would be if Jesus said “Love your neighbor AND yourself” instead of “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Jesus never told us to love ourselves, so many people don’t. Actually, most people hate themselves because of this omission—they are their own worst enemy, greatest adversary, and staunchest critic. They will never be good enough for themselves. They are hard on themselves to the point of self-destruction, and their inner world is full of hateful, degrading comments. And then those who say they love themselves are the most nihilistic of them all, refusing to believe any ideology but their own. They confuse self-love with a shadowing of their own reality; they cover up failures with narcissistic claims of blind acceptance and self-infatuation. They don’t really love themselves because they don’t really know themselves. All they know is a lie, and all they love is their ego’s status in the world.

To love yourself means to love yourself. Truly and deeply. To look yourself in the mirror and see your flaws, to stare into the depth of your soul and recognize your shortcomings and then to love yourself anyways. If you don’t learn how to love yourself, how on earth can you love another with the proper attention they deserve? How could you possibly share love with another if you haven’t planted and harvested any love of your own? Why did Jesus miss this?

Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe we have to read in between the lines. Perhaps, even, between two perpendicular lines. Lines with love between them.

Maybe.

Lunchbox Lemma

I wrote this essay for my Food in American History course. WE were tasked with detailing our own personal food history. I had a lot of fun with this assignment and decided to share. Hope you enjoy 🙂

Nearly every day, I fortuitously kick my metal Power Rangers lunchbox and disrupt class. In many ways, loudis the best word to describe this lunchbox: not only does the bright yellow tin box make inconvenient loud noises, but it’s become my unique identifier across campus.  It catches people’s attention.  Many comment saying how they loved that show, wondering which is my favorite Ranger, and asking if I had it since my childhood.  I hate to break the news that I never watched the Power Rangers and that I bought the lunchbox on Amazon, so I tell them the Red Ranger is my favorite and that, indeed, I’ve had it for a long while.  Truth is, this lunchbox is far more functional than fashionable and its existence, while loud, says an awful lot about my seldom-spoken perspectives on food more generally.  There were several factors influencing my purchase of this lunchbox, but they all relate back to my distaste for unethically raised agriculture, unsustainable food systems, and overly processed foods, as well as a devotion to become my healthiest self.  My lunchbox reflects the importance I place on my food choices and my recognition that what I choose to consume matters to my health and the health of the planet in a real way.  In many ways, the food protected by the five Rangers symbolizes my love for the process of cooking, a pursuit I hold as a spiritual practice.  But that’s a remarkably long way away from frozen chicken nuggets and marshmallow fluff on white bread, so let’s give this story due justice.

I was a picky eater the moment I discovered that some foods taste better than others.  Simple tastes determined my childhood favorites, foods like bread and butter, strawberries and whipped cream, chicken nuggets and honey.  I have memories of being in my high chair, chowing down on cauliflower and broccoli.  Then I was presented chicken nuggets, and vegetables were out of the question.  In no time I became a chicken nugget connoisseur. I implemented the “Dinosaur or Don’t Bother” policy in my household, maintaining that dinosaur-shaped nuggets were the only allowable form.  In a desperate attempt to nourish her stubborn child, my mother let me dip the nuggets in honey (I had outlawed ketchup, too).  Eating out was a spectacle: when the dinner rolls were consumed, I would top off the first course with a sole packet of butter (I was onto this keto thing long before popular culture).  Thanksgiving used to be my least favorite holiday.  I didn’t like turkey, sweet potatoes, or cranberry sauce, but I loved bread.  So I had bread and topped it off with whipped cream because the adults didn’t want me to cause a fuss.  In grade school, the thought of jelly on bread made me sick, so marshmallow fluff and peanut butter was on the menu every day—except every other Friday when they served triangle pizza with cheesy crust.  To avoid harassment, I made sure to start eating lunch meat by middle school.

As my taste buds matured past early childhood, pasta with parmesan cheese became a staple.  At times, it was without a doubt my favorite food.  At eight years old, pasta was the first thing I learned how to cook.  This wheat-filled pasta, as we all know, is great fuel for physical activities and remained central to my life as athletics and “high performance nutrition” became a part of my life.  From chocolate milk after a lift to protein bars and Gatorade after practice, I consumed anything with a “protein” label.  In middle school and high school, my mom packed my lunch in a brown bag with a cold cut sandwich, pretzels, some veggies, fruit, and often a protein bar to be eaten after school.  This diet seemed “healthy” to any outside observer, surely better than the pizza and fries eaten by my friends.  On an unrelated note, I got a stomach ache every day around sixth period.  This trend of simple-tasting, quick-fuel food was the story of my food journey until age sixteen when I got a job at the Craft Ale House, a gastropub with farm-to-table meals.

For two and a half years I was exposed to different foods and culinary styles in the restaurant world.  As a food runner and bar back, I saw more ahi-tuna variations and memorized more charcuterie plate cheeses than I care to remember.  Although I never worked behind the line, I became a part of the mealtime experience.  Fresh cracked pepper, a topped off soda, and extra remoulade went a long way for customers eager to enjoy a night out.  Relishing in the dining itself, I learned, was as important as the food being served. When demanding schedules forced me out of food running, I began dishwashing.  Though torturous work, I developed a knack for scrubbing pots and pans. Knuckles bloodied from steel wool and scolding hot water, I always left work with a sense of accomplishment: with my help, the chefs and cooks were able to prepare elegant meals and memorable dishes.  I played a role in the restaurant experience by being the best dishwasher I could be. And once I perfected my craft, I actually began to enjoy it.  Not to mention, working in the back of house meant I got to try the chef’s creations. From coffee ground-rubbed bison to deep fried, crab-stuffed avocado, my palate was expanding by the shift.  

As my final years of high school engendered a sense of culinary adventure, that hope for never-before tasted dishes on a regular basis was squashed when I entered college.  First year dorms don’t have kitchens, so all freshmen are required to have meal plans. I explored Campion Dining Hall with an open mind and an ambition to make the best of what was offered. Unfortunately, the best of Campion was omelets for breakfast, wraps for lunch, and pasta for dinner.  Rinse and repeat.  I not only got bored of my options but ended up getting sick with sinus infections, colds, and intense seasonal allergies on a regular basis. Date nights with my girlfriend were the only reprieve.  We dove head-first into Asian cuisine including Thai, Vietnamese, and Japanese, as well as brunch, America’s greatest tradition.  While Narberth, Ardmore, and Manayunk yielded many new foods, I wanted a change for my daily nutrition.  I wanted to learn how to cook before entering my sophomore year apartment, fully equipped with a kitchen.  That summer I read a book called How to Eat, Move, and Be Healthy!by Paul Chek, a health coach and therapist I’d known about for some time.  As cliché as it sounds, this book changed my life forever.

Paul Chek transformed my perspective on food.  He explained that human beings aren’t evolutionarily designed to thrive on highly processed foods and how whole foods ought to be the center of our diet. This book introduced me to simple concepts like eating foods that are alive (or raw), how fat isn’t the enemy, and how added sugar is wreaking havoc on the health of our nation.  Paul explained the telltale signs of gluten intolerance: stomach ache, headache, a weakened immune system, etc.  Remember those post-lunch stomach aches in high school? I was gluten intolerant, confirmed it by a period of eliminating gluten and watching my symptoms dissipate.  Also introduced in How to Eat, Move, and Be Healthy!was the concept of metabolic typing, that is, that different people fair better on specific diets.  I learned that I do best on a diet higher in fat and protein and lower in carbohydrates, especially refined sugars. Paul also justified the importance of buying organic produce, grass fed beef, pasture raised chickens, and wild caught fish.  I later learned about the perils of commercial agriculture, from the destruction of ecosystems due to overused chemical fertilizers to the carcinogenic impacts of glyphosate, or RoundUp.  Other concepts like buying and supporting local farmers rounded out Paul’s work.

Thus, the food I choose to purchase, cook, eat, and share with my loved ones matters.  In a very real way, I am voting with my fork and my knife, with the dollars I spend on groceries.  If I purchase feedlot meat and highly-processed, commercial tofu, I am supporting operations that contribute to global climate change, maltreat livestock, destroy our disappearing soils, and put small, local farmers out of business. However, if I instead purchase local, grass-fed beef and edamame grown on an organic farm in my county, I am supporting people who are doing their part to heal the planet and produce healthy, nourishing food.  This is an intentional process, one that has to do with the whole system of food production and consumption.  From the health of soil to the health of the meal on my plate, I’ve come to see eating and cooking as a spiritual practice.  I thought about it like this: the food I eat literally becomes me.  If I am what I eat, then I want to be the healthiest Me possible, because it is only with my health that I can live out my mission on this earth.  The extra price of maintaining this holistic, nutritional approach is the best investment I could ever make because sooner or later, my health will be my number one concern.

That edict is quite a long way from chicken nuggets and whipped cream.  What began as a desire for simple mouth pleasures has become a quest to discover what food is best for me.  As I’ve realized what true nutrition ought to be, I understood that my commercially stocked dining hall couldn’t meet my health standards.  Cooking came out of necessity to get the simplistic, whole foods nutrition I needed without the additives and chemicals of dining hall meals.  So I began sautéing and searing and baking and slow-cooking and calling my mom when I messed up.  I started seasoning with sea salt and pepper, while slowly moving into more complex tastes like rosemary, cayenne, and turmeric.  With chicken and rice as staples, I began to venture into unknown waters.  I experimented with chicken stocks, with cutlets, with vegetable chili, with pork soup dumplings.  Eggs and avocado, eggs and oatmeal, eggs and ground beef, and eggs and kale have all entered the fold.  While my cooking isn’t quite exquisite, I cook almost every day, blending flavors and trying new concoctions.  But every meal I cook begins with the same thing: quality ingredients—organic for sure, local if possible.

I’ve found that many people dislike cooking because they dislike cleaning up. Luckily for me, my dishwashing stint exposed me to the mental anguish of cleaning, showing me that, in the end, scrubbing pots and pans doesn’t have to be painful.  When my mother cooks a meal, she uses every dish in the house and refuses to clean them (rightfully so).  Out of necessity, I brought the art of dishwashing home and have actually begun to enjoy it.  You heard that right, I enjoy cleaning up.  I see it as a meditation.  It’s the most peaceful and orderly moment of my day.  Coupled with the spiritual act of combining ingredients that will become me, dishwashing rounds out the experience of eating I have each day. The dishwasher is helpful, but nothing can outweigh the joy that comes with a clean sink.  I truly believe more people would cook if they didn’t fear cleaning up so much.  It should be cleaning first, then cooking.

And so we’ve arrived back to the metal Power Rangers lunchbox.  In an effort to support sustainable agriculture and local, community farms that produce nourishing whole foods, I lug my lunchbox across campus.  Filled with turmeric-salmon salad, overnight oats, or chicken legs and rice, this trusted tin gives me the freedom cook and emboldens me with the knowledge of where my food comes from.  That, and because my intolerance to gluten rules out sandwiches.  All of this to sustain a healthy body so that I can have a healthy mind so that I can work to create a healthier world.  Now, I by no means follow these principles incredibly well. I still love chocolate, ice cream, and have a weakness for blue corn tortilla chips.  But an ideal is something to strive towards, and strive I do, day in and day out.  

About every other week, you can find me in the dessert section at Whole Foods with my girlfriend (the same one), picking out the perfect cannoli.  I believe life is about balance, not strict adherence to a dietary philosophy.  The goal is to create robust health so that an ice cream cone here or there won’t destroy you.  If I had watched the Power Rangers, I’d make a reference about how the Rangers protected people and fought for the common good.  But I didn’t, so I’ll just go finish cleaning up my dishes.

I am in Control

I’ve been wearing an Ōura ring to track my sleep, activity, and readiness for well over a year now. I get meaningful data from it: it tells me how recovered I am and helps me to plan my training so I can prevent injury. But recently its been creating some unwanted side effects. If I don’t get a good sleep score, I panic and wonder what I did wrong. If my readiness is down, I do my best to “take it easy” and not push myself. I overassess over calories burned and miles walked. The whole thing was stressing me out.

So I took it off.

Sure, I’ll be missing some valuable data about how my body is performing. But guess what? I didn’t want to be a slave to this health-tracking device anymore. I’m in control of my body. I’m in control of how I spend my days and the life I want to create. My mind is more powerful than a readiness score. Whether I’m feeling good or not, I’m going to start pushing myself again, like the good-old days.

The ring taught me a lot about myself, like how I need to be in bed for 9 hours and how at least one day of week should be taken off. But I know this stuff now. It’s time to bring it into practice. I am in control, and nobody can take this control away from me.

Are you in control? Or are you a slave to your ring, or your watch, or your phone, or your grades, or your scale? Are you a number or a human being with a mind—the most powerful tool on earth?

The good news? You decide your fate. You just have to take responsibility for the outcome.

Peace in Small Matters

Life has been hectic lately. Camille is moving out of her apartment, and that whole ordeal came with a lot of stressful breakdowns and challenging conversations. Track hasn’t been going as planned, so I’m having to work extra hard to get to where I want to be. School isn’t terribly busy yet, but it’ll get busy in a matter of weeks. Life is moving fast. That’s why I’ve been slowing down to savor the mundane.

Cooking and washing dishes are two of my favorite activities. I love trying new meals, blending flavors, and feeling the gratitude of each bite that I helped to create. Practical things like learning how to cook with spaghetti squash (and no red sauce) as well as what to eat with shrimp make me excited. And then, when the kitchen is messy, I like manifesting order out of chaos and clean every dish with soapy fervor, setting each in its rightful place on the drying rack.

I find tremendous joy in these simple matters. Slowing down to feel the suds pass through my fingers and the steam rise up my forearm turn me into a poet. They bring me peace in hectic times, and they will always be there for me when I want to experience them. Whenever I worry about school or fear running a race, I can place myself in the moment and scrub: cups first, then forks and knives, then the big stuff…slow and orderly — make it last.

Make it last.

Going All In

My senior track season hasn’t been off to the start I hoped. I’ve been doing all the training, hitting all the times, eating right, getting enough sleep, and doing extra stretching, but it’s not working. I’m once again running times I ran in high school. What’s worse, if I ran a fast time right now I would be surprised, when fast times are supposed to be expected.

There’s good news to all this: I’ve been training since May (May of 2016, to be more accurate). I’m in great shape. I have a tremendous body of work under my feet, and that’s not going away any time soon. I just need some fine tuning, some speed work, some extra drills, some hardening of my body and my mind. That means extra hours, extra lifts, extra stretching, the list goes on. That means deep meditations, focussed recovery sessions, and more room for sleep than school work. None of that will come easy.

I’m going to have to start really pushing myself, but pushing without the fear of getting injured or burning out. Those two fears have paralyzed me up to this point in my track career: I don’t want to over work and get hurt again, and I don’t want to overwork and burn out again. With all due respect, fuck that. I’m ready to actually chase my goals, to get my mind right, and to push myself to the brink of exhaustion each day to reach my goals. I’m ready for early mornings and 3 lifts a week. I’m ready to work so hard that those desired times are expected each time I toe the line.

Never a surprise.

What’s the worst case scenario of giving these next three months my absolute best? I get injured or I burn out and I never run another good race. I let my team and myself down. I feel regret for not having done more.

Guess what: I already feel that. If I get injured or burn out because of this pursuit, I can recover in May. Then at least I will know it wasn’t meant to be. There is literally nothing to lose.

This is battle cry. I will not back down. I will fight until the very end. This is all part of the story.

Hoka fucking hey!

Footsteps Overhead

I currently live in the basement of a row home in Philly. Three of my buddies and I rent it, and I live in the basement. Despite the uncontrollable temperature, the washer and dryer turning off my lights every time they’re used, and the slight odor of rotting wood, it’s a nice room. I’ve made it my sanctuary. It can be cozy when I want a safe place and functional when I want to get work done or workout. All in all, I love my room and the peace it brings to my life.

But the first floor is hardwood, and the basement has a drop ceiling. I can hear every footstep. Each. And. Every. Footstep. I’m woken up each night and each morning by stomping feet, and though I politely ask for people to walk softly, they forget. Everybody always forgets to pay attention to their footsteps.

The way I see it, I only have a few options moving forward. (a) I could storm up the steps each time I am awoken, causing my roommates to resent me, (b) I could do nothing and risk the daily wakes ups, or (c) I could buy some earplugs and take control of my own life.

Anybody know a good brand of earplugs?

How to Start Something

  1. Remember all the things you’ve tried before (like blogging every day).
  2. Take stock of which pursuits were successful in the moment and which were successful after some time.
  3. Next, note the failures and your shortcomings. See if they have, in fact, made you a more well rounded individual, more robust in your knowledge.
  4. Now forget all that. These past outcome, whether positive or negative, have no say on your destiny.
  5. Time to get creative. Think of something new you can try, something that will challenge you and push you to become better than you are currently. This thing can be less ambitious than previous initiatives or just as ambitious (such as blogging every day, only this time not worrying if any single day has been missed). Past attempts ought to hold no significance over any future endeavors, though it would be foolish to not embrace your newfound, innate wisdom.
  6. Make a list of what you ought to do to fulfill this task. Perhaps a checklist, maybe an intention. Either way, there should be some means to identify your success.
  7. Make a commitment to yourself, a pact to do your best to uphold your end of the bargain into the foreseeable future. If desirable, create an end date for this new practice. Leave it open-ended if you’re more easy going.
  8. Do your best.
  9. Forgive yourself when you slip up.
  10. Continue until you’re done. You’ll know when the time has come.
  11. Repeat this process, paying special attention to number 4.
  12. Embrace your childhood wonder, that ambition present deep within your being. Hold it close and become it’s ally. Together, you will accomplish many great feats.

The Richest Chocolate in the World

As Camille and I walked through town this afternoon, we came across a French bakery. Fluffy croissants and muffins enlivened the display window and espresso beans filled the air. We heard this place had desserts as well, so we poked around until we found the counter in the back of the store. Elegant macaroons, cakes, and chocolate boxes filled the shelves. The chocolates were calling to us.

We asked the woman behind the counter if she could show us the chocolates closer. She picked a box from the display and opened it, unveiling nine perfectly arranged chocolates of different shapes and flavors. But if we wanted one, we had to buy the entire box.

“How much for the box?” I questioned.

“Twenty six dollars and fifty cents,” she responded promptly.

“Okay, I’ll take one. It must be worth the price.”

There Camille and I sat, eating each decadent chocolate as if it were the first time and last time we would ever try it. Every bite was savored, each flavor experienced. We saved four pieces for a rainy day—a day when we’ll need to be reminded of wha the good life tastes like.

We left the French eatery satisfied at our chocolate excursion, grateful for the opportunity of encountering these special treats.

—————————

You’re postulations are correct. This story is a lie. Camille and I did walk into a French bakery in town today, and we did explore the rich box of chocolates. But we didn’t buy it. How could anybody justify spending $26.50 on chocolate on a regular Sunday afternoon? I love chocolate. I could eat a dark chocolate bar a day and never get sick of it. In fact, last week I bought three chocolate bars on sale for only $2.61 and ate them in three days.

And guess what? Those were my three best days in recent memory. I was in love with myself and the chocolate as I respectfully devoured it. I was filled with joy and peace and a sense of completeness. Nothing mattered in the moments of my chocolate indulgence. The only available emotion was love. And each bar was worth 87 cents.

The richest chocolate in the world is the chocolate you slow down for and make the time to savor. Don’t fall into the expensive trap (that is, if it’s expensive it must taster better and, therefore, should be savored). You make chocolate decadent by experiencing it fully. If you never slow down to taste it, there’s never any difference between quality and experience. You’re just overpaying for a Hershey’s bar.

The richest chocolate in the world is the chocolate you slow down for and make the time to savor. Trust me, that Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cup would have made Jesus cry tears of joy.

Be Aggressive in Pursuit of Greatness

We’re on our way back from the Nittany Lion Challenge at Penn State. I ran the 400 and a 4×400. In both races, I ran well but I wasn’t aggressive enough. My mindset was right, I was prepared for both races, but I just didn’t bring the right amount of do-or-die energy. I was soft in my execution and not strong enough in my race demeanor.

I ran okay, but could have raced better. There needs to be a different approach to my future races, one where I ferociously compete and rule out the possibility of loosing. If I ran harder out of the gate, i would’ve been in the race. I would’ve been pulled through, would have ran a faster time, and might not have lost.

Balancing the triviality of running around an oval with the fierceness that can only come from a passion to destroy others and be victorious is a difficult task that I’ve yet to master. It’s a strange thing: trying to act like running doesn’t matter so that I don’t get anxious while recognizing that I need to make it matter to be any good at it. I don’t know if I ever will. But I can try. And try again. And try until my very last race.

But I’ve made a decision. Next race, I’m going to run as if my life depends on it. Period.