Some things don’t have an ending

https://vimeo.com/399547706

I’m sitting here in tears as I try to put words to this new reality…that I will never run track again. For 10 days I’ve been at a loss for words, unable to grasp that this part of my journey is over. I’ve tried to ignore it and avoid it but it’s eating me up. I have to face it and I have to cry. These tears aren’t only for the love of memories past but for the loss of those yet to come, the unwritten stories that will remain untold in Spring 2020.

I’ve had this feeling before and you have too—when a loved one passes away and you don’t get to say goodbye. I wasn’t done running. I had so many personal records left to break and so many workouts left to lead. I wasn’t done cheering for my teammates and being cheered by those who love me. I wasn’t done waking up at 5:30am to lift and explaining for the 100th time why I don’t drink chocolate milk. I wasn’t done, and it really hurts.

I didn’t get to have my teammates congratulate me after my last ever race, saying how amazing it was to see my transformation. I didn’t get to shake my coach’s hand before we got on the bus at my last meet, making sure he knew that I appreciated everything he’s done for me. I didn’t get to celebrate my 4 year career, one full of injury and upset and triumph and leadership. I didn’t get to, and I never will.

This will not get easier. It will be something I come to live with—the pain of loss. I don’t know where I will go from here, but I do know one thing. I know that what got me around Boston University’s magic carpet on January 25th wasn’t my desire to be a great runner…It was those guys in Crimson & Gray around the track who gave their best all day long and still had enough left to yell my name. It was Magee & Moscoe & Davies & Dave & Welde & Baumy & Seabass & Sauer & Josh & the rest. At was Mom & Dad & Camille & Adam & Rachel cheering me on at home. Watching and hearing the support in this video…that’s what matters. Not the time.

When I first started running, I ran for myself. That’s how most of us run. But then I got the greatest gift I’ve ever received: the chance to run for others, the chance to run for a team. My team. The best team that I’ve ever been a part of. I can’t name you all in this comment, but you know who you are. Thank you for making this worth it. Thank you for making this all worth it.

At the end of this video, Camille said: “This is probably so different for him too because now he’s not thinking about other people; he’s just running.”

My wish for all of you is that you come love something as much as I ‘ve come to love running. Thanks for reading.

Footsteps Overhead

I currently live in the basement of a row home in Philly. Three of my buddies and I rent it, and I live in the basement. Despite the uncontrollable temperature, the washer and dryer turning off my lights every time they’re used, and the slight odor of rotting wood, it’s a nice room. I’ve made it my sanctuary. It can be cozy when I want a safe place and functional when I want to get work done or workout. All in all, I love my room and the peace it brings to my life.

But the first floor is hardwood, and the basement has a drop ceiling. I can hear every footstep. Each. And. Every. Footstep. I’m woken up each night and each morning by stomping feet, and though I politely ask for people to walk softly, they forget. Everybody always forgets to pay attention to their footsteps.

The way I see it, I only have a few options moving forward. (a) I could storm up the steps each time I am awoken, causing my roommates to resent me, (b) I could do nothing and risk the daily wakes ups, or (c) I could buy some earplugs and take control of my own life.

Anybody know a good brand of earplugs?

Chicken Stock

You are the chicken to my broth

and the bones to my stock.

Today we simmer united—

never to be separate again.

My Most Patient Self

I’ve been working on being more patient lately. I’m trying to practice patience when I’m driving, interacting with loved ones, and sitting in class. It’s really a whole-systems approach, and I’ve been attacking it by addressing my core wound of always wanting to be in control. I have good days and bad days, but overall I’ve seen improvement.

I went to visit my Grandpa today. He is 88 and living in an assisted living facility. He was a soldier during peacetime in WWII and a math teacher for years in Goshen, New York. Now, he has Parkinson’s. It’s hard for him to get words out sometimes, but he’s still sharp as a tack. I have to give him time to get his words out when he’s talking, and though I still have trouble understanding him from time-to-time, giving him the space to speak helps him out.

This situation forces me to give up control, be patient, and listen instead of talk. Awkward silences are not only the price of admission but welcome, for it is only by silence that Grandpa can get his point across. Camille came with me to visit him today. On the ride home, she told me she’s never seen a more patient version of me than when I’m with my Grandpa. That made me take a step back.

Patience can manifest in many forms, but it’s always here, always accessible, and always beneficial. I want to be My Most Patient Self every day, not just when I visit my Grandpa. This is my patient ideal. What’s yours?

Be Honest

This Thursday was a long day. After lift and practice in the morning, I spent every spare moment studying for an anatomy practical on muscles (just about every muscle in the body). During the 3 hour lab, I took the muscles test. Afterwords, my instructor said we could take the sheep brain practical, too. This entailed naming 40 parts of the sheep brain from memory. I went for it and completed both practicals.

I called Camille after lab. We made plans to hangout, maybe share some food. It would have to be quick because she was hanging out with her friends at 7:00pm. This means I would have to postpone my dinner at home to eat some snacks with Camille. Against my longings, I went to spend time with her.

I should have been honest with myself and what I needed. It wasn’t long before I began an argument—I was in no place to interact with somebody after being tired and having no substantial food in me. We split for the night upset with each other, all because I was too fixated on making others happy as I neglected taking care of myself.

Be honest with yourself and what you need. If you need a night to yourself, take it. Time spent filling your cup will allow you to give 100% to your relationships. Know your triggers (being hungry) and do everything possible to mitigate them so your loved ones don’t get hurt.

The Benefits of Intermittent Fasting

I fasted for 21 hours today. From 10pm last night to 7pm today, all I consumed was water, an americano, and the Eucharist. When I started fasting like this, I would get very angry in the middle of the day. My energy was all over, I couldn’t focus, and I said hurtful things to my loved ones. But since building up a tolerance to fasting, hunger is often replaced with greater mental clarity, and discouraging remarks towards family and friends turn into awareness.

I feel as if fasting takes the attention off me and places it on the immediate world around me. Smells become more vivd and colors become brighter. I can see other people for who they are instead of who I want them to be for me. My whole world becomes less self-centered and more focussed in on my environment. All of this because I chose not to eat until dinner.

Being a college athlete with workouts nearly every day, fasting becomes far less possible during the season. But rest days on the weekends are fair game. So long as I can resist the urge to guzzle down waffles and omelettes, I might just have my most productive days of the week. If only…

Here’s to the joys of not eating. Hip, hip.

Psychological Safety

A Lesson from my Perspectives on Leadership course:

Teams perform better when everybody feels safe to share ideas, concerns, questions, and mistakes without fear of judgement or embarrassment. Good leaders promote this type of environment by making every task into a learning opportunity, by admitting their own fallacies, and by promoting curiosity. This will allow employees to develop out-of-the-box thoughts and solve interesting problems.

We can all learn something about interpersonal relationships from this model.

Accountable and Nonnegotiable

My teammates and I ran 5 800s today around 2:40 pace, except for the last one which was at 2:30. This was after a really long week without the best sleep. I didn’t feel like running hard at practice today, but I didn’t make it an option. When it’s not an option, the job will get done regardless of how I feel. It’s a nonnegotiable.

I have my teammates to thank for getting me through these 800s. I’m the captain of our Long Sprint group, but the guys I’m leading are tough. We run every workout together as a tight-knit group, stride for stride. Having them by my side makes workouts like this go by faster and with greater intensity. They hold me accountable.

When accomplishing daily goals is nonnegotiable and there’s people in place to hold you accountable, success becomes a lot more likely and a lot more possible.

Fallen, Forever

Fallen branches wait to be cleared and you now
drop leaves no longer useful. Every day new old leaves drop
and cover the trail again, reshaping it, untouching it. 
Decaying practicality, now open to opportunity.
Nobody has ever walked on my dead parts before—
you will not be the last. This moment is here but will be gone
soon and forever.

Walk by yourself or with another. 
Walk with a loved one or with an enemy. 
Whether you share visions or disagreements
soon you will be walking side-by-side to the same rhythm, 
left foot, right foot, trip. Not indifference but understanding 
will leave my woods today. Hope for another moment together 
soon and forever.

These seconds are rotting apples, sweet but tender. This day 
is a new beginning for the whole world. I am the world. 
This world is mine to live, celebrate, and ignore. 
Who will be the keeper of my destiny, if not myself? 
I hear the honeybee sing to the doe:
“Today is a good day to die.” 
So it is for me and my kingdom.

My Future Self

From January to July of this year, I wore a man bun. I kept the sides short and the top long because I wanted to, not because it was functional, easy to manage, or looked good. I wanted to. Long ago I vowed to not pay any attention to other people’s opinions. This is my life and I’m going to live it how I want, whether that means growing a man bun or doing yoga in the grass. My life and my terms.

I cut off my bun in July—I was ready for a change. Now, when I look back at pictures during my man-bun phase, I can’t believe how stupid I looked. The bun was pretty weak and I took way to long in between touch-ups. I looked silly and out of place, confused by whether I wanted to have long hair or be an athlete. Next time I grow my hair out, I’ll grow all of it out, not just the top.

But this has me thinking: I know I don’t care about other’s opinions, but when my future self casts judgement and blame, why do I listen? Who am I, really, if I’m constantly changing? Is my future self myself or is that another person, drastically and unequivocally different from who I am right now? If we’re serious about not caring about what other’s think, should that include ourselves, too?

Maybe we can learn from ourselves without judging ourselves. Maybe we can look at our past selves and love the person who became who you are right now. Maybe we can recognize that our future selves will want to look with distain on who you are now, but we are the one who can stop the judgement in its tracks.

Radical self love, now and in days to come. Learning from my past without judging it. Being who I am while loving who I was. This is what I want to be.