Some things don’t have an ending

https://vimeo.com/399547706

I’m sitting here in tears as I try to put words to this new reality…that I will never run track again. For 10 days I’ve been at a loss for words, unable to grasp that this part of my journey is over. I’ve tried to ignore it and avoid it but it’s eating me up. I have to face it and I have to cry. These tears aren’t only for the love of memories past but for the loss of those yet to come, the unwritten stories that will remain untold in Spring 2020.

I’ve had this feeling before and you have too—when a loved one passes away and you don’t get to say goodbye. I wasn’t done running. I had so many personal records left to break and so many workouts left to lead. I wasn’t done cheering for my teammates and being cheered by those who love me. I wasn’t done waking up at 5:30am to lift and explaining for the 100th time why I don’t drink chocolate milk. I wasn’t done, and it really hurts.

I didn’t get to have my teammates congratulate me after my last ever race, saying how amazing it was to see my transformation. I didn’t get to shake my coach’s hand before we got on the bus at my last meet, making sure he knew that I appreciated everything he’s done for me. I didn’t get to celebrate my 4 year career, one full of injury and upset and triumph and leadership. I didn’t get to, and I never will.

This will not get easier. It will be something I come to live with—the pain of loss. I don’t know where I will go from here, but I do know one thing. I know that what got me around Boston University’s magic carpet on January 25th wasn’t my desire to be a great runner…It was those guys in Crimson & Gray around the track who gave their best all day long and still had enough left to yell my name. It was Magee & Moscoe & Davies & Dave & Welde & Baumy & Seabass & Sauer & Josh & the rest. At was Mom & Dad & Camille & Adam & Rachel cheering me on at home. Watching and hearing the support in this video…that’s what matters. Not the time.

When I first started running, I ran for myself. That’s how most of us run. But then I got the greatest gift I’ve ever received: the chance to run for others, the chance to run for a team. My team. The best team that I’ve ever been a part of. I can’t name you all in this comment, but you know who you are. Thank you for making this worth it. Thank you for making this all worth it.

At the end of this video, Camille said: “This is probably so different for him too because now he’s not thinking about other people; he’s just running.”

My wish for all of you is that you come love something as much as I ‘ve come to love running. Thanks for reading.

I am in Control

I’ve been wearing an Ōura ring to track my sleep, activity, and readiness for well over a year now. I get meaningful data from it: it tells me how recovered I am and helps me to plan my training so I can prevent injury. But recently its been creating some unwanted side effects. If I don’t get a good sleep score, I panic and wonder what I did wrong. If my readiness is down, I do my best to “take it easy” and not push myself. I overassess over calories burned and miles walked. The whole thing was stressing me out.

So I took it off.

Sure, I’ll be missing some valuable data about how my body is performing. But guess what? I didn’t want to be a slave to this health-tracking device anymore. I’m in control of my body. I’m in control of how I spend my days and the life I want to create. My mind is more powerful than a readiness score. Whether I’m feeling good or not, I’m going to start pushing myself again, like the good-old days.

The ring taught me a lot about myself, like how I need to be in bed for 9 hours and how at least one day of week should be taken off. But I know this stuff now. It’s time to bring it into practice. I am in control, and nobody can take this control away from me.

Are you in control? Or are you a slave to your ring, or your watch, or your phone, or your grades, or your scale? Are you a number or a human being with a mind—the most powerful tool on earth?

The good news? You decide your fate. You just have to take responsibility for the outcome.

Peace in Small Matters

Life has been hectic lately. Camille is moving out of her apartment, and that whole ordeal came with a lot of stressful breakdowns and challenging conversations. Track hasn’t been going as planned, so I’m having to work extra hard to get to where I want to be. School isn’t terribly busy yet, but it’ll get busy in a matter of weeks. Life is moving fast. That’s why I’ve been slowing down to savor the mundane.

Cooking and washing dishes are two of my favorite activities. I love trying new meals, blending flavors, and feeling the gratitude of each bite that I helped to create. Practical things like learning how to cook with spaghetti squash (and no red sauce) as well as what to eat with shrimp make me excited. And then, when the kitchen is messy, I like manifesting order out of chaos and clean every dish with soapy fervor, setting each in its rightful place on the drying rack.

I find tremendous joy in these simple matters. Slowing down to feel the suds pass through my fingers and the steam rise up my forearm turn me into a poet. They bring me peace in hectic times, and they will always be there for me when I want to experience them. Whenever I worry about school or fear running a race, I can place myself in the moment and scrub: cups first, then forks and knives, then the big stuff…slow and orderly — make it last.

Make it last.

Going All In

My senior track season hasn’t been off to the start I hoped. I’ve been doing all the training, hitting all the times, eating right, getting enough sleep, and doing extra stretching, but it’s not working. I’m once again running times I ran in high school. What’s worse, if I ran a fast time right now I would be surprised, when fast times are supposed to be expected.

There’s good news to all this: I’ve been training since May (May of 2016, to be more accurate). I’m in great shape. I have a tremendous body of work under my feet, and that’s not going away any time soon. I just need some fine tuning, some speed work, some extra drills, some hardening of my body and my mind. That means extra hours, extra lifts, extra stretching, the list goes on. That means deep meditations, focussed recovery sessions, and more room for sleep than school work. None of that will come easy.

I’m going to have to start really pushing myself, but pushing without the fear of getting injured or burning out. Those two fears have paralyzed me up to this point in my track career: I don’t want to over work and get hurt again, and I don’t want to overwork and burn out again. With all due respect, fuck that. I’m ready to actually chase my goals, to get my mind right, and to push myself to the brink of exhaustion each day to reach my goals. I’m ready for early mornings and 3 lifts a week. I’m ready to work so hard that those desired times are expected each time I toe the line.

Never a surprise.

What’s the worst case scenario of giving these next three months my absolute best? I get injured or I burn out and I never run another good race. I let my team and myself down. I feel regret for not having done more.

Guess what: I already feel that. If I get injured or burn out because of this pursuit, I can recover in May. Then at least I will know it wasn’t meant to be. There is literally nothing to lose.

This is battle cry. I will not back down. I will fight until the very end. This is all part of the story.

Hoka fucking hey!

Be Aggressive in Pursuit of Greatness

We’re on our way back from the Nittany Lion Challenge at Penn State. I ran the 400 and a 4×400. In both races, I ran well but I wasn’t aggressive enough. My mindset was right, I was prepared for both races, but I just didn’t bring the right amount of do-or-die energy. I was soft in my execution and not strong enough in my race demeanor.

I ran okay, but could have raced better. There needs to be a different approach to my future races, one where I ferociously compete and rule out the possibility of loosing. If I ran harder out of the gate, i would’ve been in the race. I would’ve been pulled through, would have ran a faster time, and might not have lost.

Balancing the triviality of running around an oval with the fierceness that can only come from a passion to destroy others and be victorious is a difficult task that I’ve yet to master. It’s a strange thing: trying to act like running doesn’t matter so that I don’t get anxious while recognizing that I need to make it matter to be any good at it. I don’t know if I ever will. But I can try. And try again. And try until my very last race.

But I’ve made a decision. Next race, I’m going to run as if my life depends on it. Period.

Past the Threshold

You know the moment—the “what did I get myself into” moment. The “this was a terrible idea” moment. The “not today” moment. It’s ubiquitous because you and I are hard wired to seek comfort.

I feel this pain of indecision every time I go to get in an ice bath. Then, every time, I turn my brain off and jump right in, up to my neck. Immediately my body curses me, wondering why I put myself through this suffering week after week. Today, I was in the tub for thirty seconds and my brain was still trying to pull me out. I actually felt my body start to make a move for the exit, but I reeled it back in and breathed deep. I’ve made it through much worse than five minutes of cold water.

Nobody fully understands the power of the human mind. Its influence is evasive yet supple, able to be changed on an instant but rock solid in neurologic programming. Many people believe that our decisions are just a complex series of electrical and chemical processes, shaped by our environments, upbringing, and the current environment. They think the brain is destined to make one decision over another.

But there’s one thing I’ve learned from my life experience: the mind can be trained.

Whether it’s telling yourself that you will finish this workout, last five minutes in the cold, or stay away from sugar this week, the mind is capable of a lot. Most importantly, it’s capable of moving you past the threshold of pain into the arena of choice. Your mind offers you freedom by granting you access to a world of potentiality, one few people know exists. But it has to be trained; it cannot only be subject to the soft world we live in.

Harden your mind by doing difficult things. You will be better because of it.

Accountable and Nonnegotiable

My teammates and I ran 5 800s today around 2:40 pace, except for the last one which was at 2:30. This was after a really long week without the best sleep. I didn’t feel like running hard at practice today, but I didn’t make it an option. When it’s not an option, the job will get done regardless of how I feel. It’s a nonnegotiable.

I have my teammates to thank for getting me through these 800s. I’m the captain of our Long Sprint group, but the guys I’m leading are tough. We run every workout together as a tight-knit group, stride for stride. Having them by my side makes workouts like this go by faster and with greater intensity. They hold me accountable.

When accomplishing daily goals is nonnegotiable and there’s people in place to hold you accountable, success becomes a lot more likely and a lot more possible.

In the Rain, We Run

Many believe rainy days are meant for bowls of soup and Netflix watching. In this way people use rain as an excuse to not accomplish what they should be doing. They believe the lies: when water falls from the sky, your to do list should adapt. You can’t do things outside when it rains anyways, right?

Wrong.

Rain can’t change a thing for your dream attainment. If your dream is really your dream, there shouldn’t be anything stopping you from moving the needle every day. That means if your goal is to walk to the grocery store instead of drive, the rain shouldn’t change that. If your objective is to stop by the chapel after class, the rain shouldn’t alter your schedule. If you’re trying to get in shape by running more, a rainy day means a rainy run.

Today I ran 9 200s in the rain with my teammates. It poured rain and we were all drenched. But we must do the work.

If you’re serious about changing your life by achieving a challenging goal, you have to stop pandering to the weather. Your work must get done. No matter what. There can be no exceptions.

Mother Earth is blessing us with a shower. Let’s stop cursing the rain for making us wet and start thanking our Mother for giving us—and everything we need to survive—a drink.

Rest Day

If I’ve learned one thing from my Ōura ring it’s at least one day off a week is absolutely essential for better recovery and accelerated performance. It’a simple but hard to practice. For accomplished and improving athletes, a day off may seem like a step in the wrong direction. Let this be a warning to you: it’s only going to benefit you in the long run.

The track season just started and my running is ramping up now to about 6x a week. I’m ready for it. I need to make sure my body stays healthy and ready for workouts, too. So rest days are important. Yoga days are important. Stretching before bed is important. Hydration is important. Staying awake form alcohol is important. Whole foods and less gluten and sugar are important. Balance is important.

This is my final circuit of the Division 1 athlete life. I’m going to do my absolute best to squeeze everything I have out of it. That includes rest days, like today.

Keep resting to keep getting better.

Back to the Basics

When embarking on a journey towards better health and more vibrant wellness, you must remember to keep things simple.

If the basics are not the cornerstone of your endeavor, you’ll soon find yourself overwhelmed. When things are too complicated and you can’t commit to all the changes you held yourself too, you’ll feel defeated. You’ll stop progress altogether because if you’re not all in you’re not getting the most benefit, right? Instead, your complicated plan shortly becomes too much to bear and you remain the same, still holding that extra 20 pounds, still gasping for breath after going up the stairs.

Let me take a moment to remind you of the basics, the bare necessities of living a healthy, balanced life. This doesn’t include a food scale or calorie counting, and there’s no need for a fancy fitness program.

The Basics:

  • Eat plants and animals
  • Avoid processed foods
  • Cook your own meals
  • Eat until you feel full
  • Pack your lunch
  • Find healthy snacks that don’t have too many simple sugars
  • Drink filtered water
  • Steer clear of sugar-sweetened beverages
  • Don’t have caffeine past 2pm
  • Move your body every day
  • Go for a walk
  • Run, lift weights, or go to a yoga class if you want to
  • Get 7-9 hours of sleep each night, depending on your own needs
  • Limit your screen time, especially at night
  • Take deep breaths
  • Spend time with your loved ones
  • Spend time with yourself
  • Allow yourself to laugh
  • If you slip up, forgive yourself and get back on track

If you implement these lifestyle practices, things will start to change. You’ll feel more energized and less lethargic. You’ll need less coffee and have more time to spend with your loved ones. Once you start, the momentum will keep you going. That cupcake you have in celebration of a good week won’t feel like a defeat but a victory. Small victories will compound and you’ll soon be miles ahead of where you started

It’s all about balance. If 80% of the things you do are healthy and 20% aren’t the best for you, you’re living a pretty balanced, enjoyable life. Forgive yourself if you slip up and move forward with a grateful heart. This is all about learning and growing.

I’m telling you, if you get back to the basics, things will change.